What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
