I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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