even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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