Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
