Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
