Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
