how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
