Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(650): View more from California

So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.

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(571): View more from Virginia

We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now

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(207): View more from Maine

you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit

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(310): View more from California

If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave

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(573): View more from Missouri

I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Did I turn a man straight...??

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Yes!

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE

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