i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
