Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
