there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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