I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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