No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
