i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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