im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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