I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
