Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
