I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
