I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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