I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
