there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
