So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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