She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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