this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
