If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
