At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
