smell my finger.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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