so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
