walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
