we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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