I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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