Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
