I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
