Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My hand turned me down
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
