Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
