well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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