At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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