are you still at the devil's house?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
