Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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