Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
