I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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