Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
