he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
