the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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