How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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