I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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