Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Randomize