Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
