my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
