So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
