It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize