She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize