Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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