She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
