He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
