The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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